We Knew Something Was Wrong... So Why Did We Stay Silent?

How Fear, Belonging, and Dependence Enable Toxic Ministry

Dangers of Ministry - Episode 7

There was a time in my circle, when verbally expressing confusion or disagreement (especially with a man of God or a person in authority) was scary. I was scared to articulate my thoughts, even in the privacy of my own home, because I had been convinced that another man of God may hear my words by the Spirit and judge me rebellious.

This crippled my ability to discern and articulate doubts and questions that will naturally come up in my growth and personal walk with God. Much later, when I noticed my growth had been stunted, I was quick to blame church leadership for putting me in that position.

Looking back, I realised that such environments were not sustained by leadership alone.

Congregations often enable them through silence, fear and our desire for certainty. The environment became toxic, with little to no communication or joy in fellowship and service, people operated out of fear, and many lived through over-dependence on one man. In hindsight, the patterns resembled cult-like dynamics. By the hand of God, we came out of that season, and many of us were just baffled at how silent we all were, in our distress. 

I come from a family of very strong personalities. We grew up learning to be assertive and expressive in words and in action. In situations that do not have high stakes, these qualities often present themselves as larger than life and borderline unnecessary. It is ironically sad that when it mattered most, this quality; one that I am deeply proud of, didn’t serve its purpose.

When that season passed, it took a difficult time of introspection to identify what specific role I played in allowing that to happen. Self-awareness could spur one on to change and growth. It is helpful to identify the markers that influenced deviation, so that when you see it coming again, you can steer clear of it.

In the book of Esther, one of the themes that ministers directly to my heart is courage; the courage to speak even when the odds are against you. The courage to move by your conviction to raise an alarm. Like Esther, independence meant stepping away from a system that had once provided safety and belonging.  Our fear of independence is one of the reasons why we enable toxic behaviour in ministry. We know that speaking up means going against the grain. So instead, we justify, excuse, and turn away. Beyond bravery, Esther’s story speaks to the danger of silence within a system, and the responsibility of one person to break it.

In the same vein, a desire to belong can influence us into silence. It is natural human nature to pick up on hidden communications. We can easily identify that access is given to those who are vocal about some things and silent on others. Promotion, affirmation and celebration of certain behaviours will prompt others to stay in check and fall in line.

Cult-like environments thrive on control and soothing fears that may have been specifically created to meet the emotional needs of people (anything from low self-esteem to love depravity,). They offer certainty, belonging, and a clear spiritual hierarchy – reducing ambiguity. And for many, certainty feels safer than the risk of seeking and discerning for themselves. Imagine the relief and comfort of having someone “knowing God’s mind for us.”  That insatiable hunger for certainty can make one prone to manipulation and expose you to the many dangers in ministry.

In our walk with God, He often calls us to trust Him in the face of uncertainty. It is an uncomfortable journey, where we must be faced with humility, faith, and everything in-between. It is easier to rely on a man’s mediation, but only Christ was meant to mediate between us and the father. No man should fill that role.

A person’s spiritual growth cannot be outsourced. If God can speak directly to us, accountability shifts inward – and life decisions can no longer rest on one leader’s discernment. Yet spiritual mediation diffuses this responsibility, making it easier to depend on another rather than grow in personal conviction.

When Esther received instruction from her uncle, she acted when she got to the point of personal conviction. She could then boldly say, “If I perish, I perish” – because she knew the responsibility laid squarely on her shoulders to approach the king and intercede for her people. She knew that for herself, and not simply because Mordecai said so.

Very few believers have been trained to study Scripture deeply, test prophecy and discern conviction from emotion. Even more, we are blind to charisma and confuse it for character – that is problematic. It is easier to say “My pastor said…” than to say “After seeking God, I am persuaded…”

Ironically, dependence can masquerade as humility. We tell ourselves, “I need covering,” “I just want to be submitted.” But sometimes, what we call humility is fear of growing. Dependence also preserves identity, as in some church cultures, identity is built around proximity: being close to the leader and being affirmed publicly is equivalent to being trusted. If you develop independent conviction that diverges from the dominant voice, you risk losing that identity.

In the book of Acts, accountability was characterized by a high standard of spiritual integrity, communal transparency and submission to the authority of the Holy Spirit and the Word of God. As such, if the witness of the Holy Spirit within you prompts you that something is wrong, pull at that string until God leads you to uncover what is wrong.

In the kingdom of God, we were neither designed for overdependence nor hyper-individualism. We need pastors, teachers, spiritual fathers and mothers, counsel, and community. The danger is not leadership, but when it replaces personal conviction. Hebrews 13:17 calls for submission to leaders. But Acts 17:11 commends examination.

As believers, we are not always at the mercy of others. We are more responsible for what we allow than we care to admit. Esther stood at the same crossroads – silence or responsibility. And like her, many of us know when something is wrong, long before we say anything about it.

What we allow will fester, and in ministry, believers often allow the very things that wound them most.